Sleeping memories.

Today I dreamt of him, like every other day.
These were the exact words in my dream that
came out of his mouth: "I'm not even going to
lie after November I was in a thinking phase but
I decided to wait for the right one. The one whose
going to be there for me 100% and give me her all. No
doubt you were there for me but you only gave me 25%
of you." (& then my 3 yr. old brother decided to
savagely knock on my door and awoke me!) This however
will haunt me forever the fact that I never got to show
him the real me. The real me everyone so dearly loves
& cares for. The girl I thought he was refusing to see
but in reality I was the one refusing to show him. This
answers the one question I always asked myself, "How can
everyone see & admire all of my beautiful assets but he
can't?" Well that's because I never allowed him to see them.

Maybe one day I'll get another opportunity to do so...

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Days like today.

It's days like today that I hate the most.
Days like today that make me extremely mad.
All of the strength I've been mustering up to deal
with all of these emotions has partially crumbled.
It's days like today that make me realize how lonely
I am without a certain kind of affection. I don't want
prince charming, nor a knight in shining armour. All I want
is for a MAN to come into my life and save me from days like today.
I want him to love me profoundly so I can do the same.
I want someone I can finally share the rest of my life
with and be happy that he's the person I am spending
the rest of my life with. I'm tired of dealing with
this stereotypical pain. This stereotypical heartbreak.
When will this all end?

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Back to square three.

After about a month without hearing from you,
today out of all days, you decide to call me.
It was kind of weird to hear your sweet voice,
that I so many nights had yearned to hear. I
dismissed your call blatantly,telling you that
I was busy & couldn't talk, without giving you
a chance to respond I hung up. I refrained myself
from texting you but I did anyways.Now I am sitting
here waiting for you to text back and I have realized
that I am back at square three but that's a good thing,
atleast I am not back at square one. Atleast this
ache isn't so bad as it were to be if I would be
standing back at square one. Atleast this desire
for you to text me back isn't as big as if I were
to be standing in square one. It's funny how things
work in life..I thought I would never be able to move
from square one, but here I am standing on square three
not wanting to glance back past my shoulder..Now I am
here standing in square three looking forward and it feels damn good.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Cheating.

Cheating is for cowards.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Hidden beneath a mask.

When someone USED to love you, make sure you USED to love them also.

It definitely is not easy and I can vow to that.
I know what it's like to go sleepless through the night.
I know about that unbearable ache in your chest.
I know about all the rummaging questions that surpass
your head, so many at a time that it seems as if your
head might explode. I know what it's like to have your
mind made up one day & the next day be back at square one.
I know all about it but I also know what I am worth...& so
should you. This might sound cliche but what's meant to be
will always find it's way no matter what. & for the record
we don't ever stop loving someone we just learn how to live
without that certain person's love.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Single, young & lonely..

"You're young and single and have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it while you've got it."

If there is a day that doesn't go by where I don't hear this expression I would be called a liar..
I'm tired of hearing this honestly.
Tired of it because I don't have my whole life ahead of me. Tomorrow is not promised.
Tired because I don't enjoy being single all of the time. What about the lonely nights?
Yes I am young I understand but I'm tired of being told this.
We weren't made to be alone. Friends & family, you may ask? I've got the best of both worlds when it comes to them but there's always an empty space family and friends CAN NOT fill.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Old memories..

So today I decided to look through all of my old school stuff and throw alot of it out because it was just taking up space but I stumbled upon more than just old school work...

Old cards, old pictures, old letters, old memories.
Some made me happy, others angry, others thoughtful.
Alot of the stuff I stumbled upon was from a love lost, *sighhhh*.
I'm at the point where I have no idea what to do with all of my feelings (& neither would you if I told you them). Sometimes I know what I want and then there's other days when I am completely oblivious to what I truly want. There are days where I completely know I want to move on and then come those dreaded days, where I get a text or a phonecall and then it's back to square one. Maybe it's not going to be easier than what I thought. Maybe my heart won't let go that easily. Though I keep saying I want to let go, my heart is telling me otherwise (STUPID STUPID STUPIDDDDD HEART!) Last night I was talking to a dear and close girlfriend about this whole situation and she told me that when I am fully committed to letting go God will help me with the rest (fully being the KEY word here!) So I asked myself if I was fully ready to let go? Fully ready to abandon all hope? fully ready to leave all of this in my past?

I'm ready but not fully..

xSigned___JNF. ♥