Tuesday, September 17, 2013

For those dark days.

Life is extremely hard nowadays. Some people get caught up with the usual rat race and others get lost in it. Those who get lost begin a spiral downfall and end up in a dark abyss filled with depression and suicidal thoughts. This is the beginning of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual confinement.

This year has been the hardest year of my 23 years of existence and let me tell you I've had some shitty years under my belt. However, nothing compares to this one. Before my last post I was a walking corpse and since then I've been shedding my zombie like skin for a newer one for various reasons. I used to find myself in a daze, mad at the world & angry that God would allow me to go through all the things I was and still am going through. How childish of me! I knew better, I've always known better. Nonetheless, shitty year and all, I never once thought of taking my life or I never thought of not being amongst the "people of the world".

Suicide is a hard topic for anyone, some have attempted it and others don't quite understand where it stems from. I can say I'm in the middle of this spectrum. I always fell short from suicidal anything because I never allowed myself to get to that point but I can also say that I have an extensive idea of where it may stem from. Having this mentality is not easy and it comes with hard work. Don't get me wrong I'm not as disciplined as I may come across. I slip up sometimes. I stay in bed the whole day during these times, I think negatively, I withdraw myself from those I love most, I blame, I get angry, I cry; yes I do all of those things but soon thereafter I remind myself of all of my blessings. It's sort of my secret picker upper. I also compiled a list of the things I do to help me feel better during these dark times in my life. I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.

•Talk to someone you trust. Just let it out. You will soon come to find out that there are people that actually care and love you. If you don't want to talk to anyone just write it down. Writing comes naturally to me so it's my way of destressing even if I don't post it on my blog. I have also found a new love called meditating, where I clear my head of all things negative.

•Reevaluate your life. Sit down and see why you're going down the path you're headed. Straying from your path isn't a sin just an indication that you need some guidance. Write down all the negative things in your life.

•After writing dowm the negative things, write down positive things about yourself and your life. The smallest things always make me feel better like a roof over my head, hot water, food, a bed, clothes, shoes, etc. you will grow so much love for the small things if you just remind yourself of the blessing that they truly are.

•Go out and do something for someone. Volunteer at a local shelter or a local church. Clearing your head of negative thoughts by making someone else feel better will ultimately make you feel great.

•Pray, with all your might. Go to a quiet room and ask for guidance, strength, peace and clarity. If you don't believe in God or you don't pray ask someone to pray with you or for you. You can even ask me, I will do it gladly.

•Most importantly be true to yourself and your feelings. If you're angry be angry. If you're sad be sad. If you want to cry go ahead and do that but don't live in those feelings. Don't unpack your bags and stay there. That's the worst thing you could do to yourself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I know everyone copes differently in different situations and I'm not saying this will cure depression or suicidal thoughts but if you would just make the effort things can purely turn around for you for the better. Life is not a race. Don't rush to grow up. Practice clean and healthy mental and emotional eating everyday of your life. If you're in trouble seek help, pray, & communicate. You're destined for a beautiful life, I know it!

I love you!
Jamie F.

For more inspiration throughout your day go over to Instagram and follow @official_wordstoliveby!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Shattered butterfly.

If I would have blogged every single day since the last day I blogged you wouldn't even understand how I survived until today..

From January 1st, 2013 up until today I have lived nothing but the worst days of my life. It all started with what I thought was the perfect opportunity to start my career but ended up being a demeaning job. So I did what any normal person would do.. I quit. Its been 4 months and since then I've been flooded with debt and worries. I know what you're thinking... "Well why the heck haven't you looked for a new job?!" Oh but I have my friend and I have been on countless interviews and there is always someone "a little more experienced" than me. I even took it upon myself to go to a temp agency, where they find you temporary jobs... You see how that has worked for me. Employers trying to pay $11/hr or even worse minimum wage to someone that has a degree isn't flying by me but I guess beggars can't be choosers right?! Every morning I wake up and check my emails in the hope that an employer is trying to offer me an opportunity because that's all I want, an opportunity, yet I get the same damn emails telling me the jobs I have applied for are still hiring. If only you could feel my frustration. I have found my soul in the brink of extinction lately yet here I am still standing. I wake up every morning and look forward to nothing yet I still thank the one above for another day of life. My soul is conflicted and filled with heaviness. I can't say there hasn't been good days because there has. There has been days where my soul is filled with some much hope and happiness but then it's like out of nowhere it remembers my reality. This year has been filled with tears and sorrow yet in the midst of it all I have found, over and over again, my true being. Though I sit in the midst of bills and playing this rat race my faith hasn't faltered. I never lay my head down thinking that this will forever be my reality. I have my boyfriend to partially thank for that... If he weren't by my side life would just be different. If I have to remember 2013 for something it would be for growing. Growing up, growing out, and growing within. So many more things have happened to me this year, including the above, that it is impossible to not grow in various ways.

I will continue to trek this road that has been unfolded before me maybe by my own doing or even on purpose. Maybe it's meant for me to find my purpose in life, my true calling. Maybe it's just to cleanse my soul and life. Maybe even to strengthen me or maybe all of the above. Whatever the purpose I shall keep walking, lost but with some sense of direction.

"A beautiful life does not just happen. It is built daily by prayer, humility, sacrifice and love. May that beautiful life be yours always."

XO friends.