Saturday, July 31, 2010

Last time I saw my heart.

I haven't been on this for idk like 3 days and that's bad =/
So many things have been happening in my life...some bad
some good. My mind is everywhere at once and my emotions
are going for the ride with my mind. Seems to me like it's
been an endless array of tiresome things and I dislike the
fact that people close to me are making me feel this way.
Nevertheless that's life right? The people you love most
are the ones that can make you feel amazingly great one day
and can completely destroy you the next day. I don't think this
is a fair thing but once again that's life and life isn't fair.
It takes people out of your life that aren't suppose to be taken,
it makes you cry, it makes you happy, it makes you want to run
away. It puts people in your life that only bring negativity, it
puts people in your life that make you smile; it does all these
great and bad things all at the same time yet we have to keep
ourselves completely sane through it all. *SIGHHHHH*

Another thing, it's one thing to love and be loved back but it's
a COMPLETELY different thing to not love and expect to be loved

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Beautiful girls all over the world...

Almost two months without talking to you and tonight you called.
I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart skipped a couple of beats
and I started to kind of shake. A huge smile slowly crept on my face.
We somewhat updated eachother about our lives. You told me you had
been thinking about me that's why you called. We hung up and so
many memories seeped in and replayed in my head. I'm sitting here
smiling. Wishing time could speed up to the day where I get to see
you again.

These are the things that give me a little more hope.
These are the things that confuse me.
These are the things that make me wonder about God's
plan with us. Maybe his plan is done, his mission complete.
Or maybe it has just begun, maybe this is just the beginning
of us. Maybe what we went through was a test to see what we
really wanted, to make us stronger.
Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe I'm just reading
in between the lines too much. Maybe this is all in my head.
Maybe one day I will see what truly is and what truly isn't.
Until then I'll wonder and hope that you are the one for me.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Love will do the rest.

Love will do the rest
by Mastin Kipp

Beginnings are never easy
So much is still unknown
So many desires seeking fulfillment
Collide with the patient trust that
Everything is as it should be
Love does not rush
No masterpiece ever does
You do not plant the seed of a rose in the morning
And ask it to blossom by the afternoon
Lust is the first one in
And the first one out
But love...
Love is cool, calm and collected
It plays tricks on you to keep you honest
Love is a patient comedian
Who helps you to get over the fearful ego
So you have the fearlessness to BE with yourself and another
I do not ask for easy beginnings
Because I know that the One meant for me will stick
With no effort on my behalf
There is no striving for love
There is no convincing love to stay
There is just you
Your fearlessness
And trust...
Love will do the rest

One day just the two of us it will be.
I am just patiently waiting for this day
to come. I know it will come, I just know it.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The mirror of our hearts.

The Mirror of Our Hearts
By Mastin Kipp

I have traveled far
And followed my Heart with every step
I have learned discernment through being cheated
I have learned forgiveness through betrayal
I have learned to love myself through abandonment
I have created wealth by not needing more than I have
And I have found Love by leaving a vulnerable space
That only it could fill
This path I have taken has not been easy
The twists, the turns, the lessons and burns
Each of them have been perfect
Not easy
But perfect
My Heart has lead me into and through the dark night
And guided me to the safe havens of friends who I've known for many lives
Each step, each hint, each intuition has brought me closer to Love
I do not regret
I do not blame
I do not look back in shame
I am only grateful for the gift of being no longer afraid
And now that I have found myself
I am ready to find you
We have known each other before
But not in this Life
We will meet where we deserve to meet
Staring into the mirror of our Hearts
And remaining when others have run away

I still have lots to travel.
I still have lots to gain.
I still have lots of failing & getting up to do.
I still have lots to learn.
However, this describes my journey
so well, so far. This is me in every essence.
I love how I find things like this & can nod
my head all the way through it without doubt
in my heart. I am not ashamed of who I am nor
of who I will be in the near future. I know what
I am capable of. I know my strengths, my weaknesses.
All I want in this life is for someone to be able
to accept them. To be able to let me lead when I need
to do so, to let me follow when I need to. All said
& done the end of this poem stated it correctly...

"...And now that I have found myself
I am ready to find you
We have known each other before
But not in this Life
We will meet where we deserve to meet
Staring into the mirror of our Hearts
And remaining when others have run away."

One day, just one day...♥

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Sad love.

I am not scared of the dark.
I am just scared of what might be lurking in it.
I am not scared of heights.
I am just scared of falling.
I am not scared of failing.
I am just scared of failing & not giving it another try.
I am not scared of trying to do my best at something.
I am just scared it will go unnoticed.
I am not scared of being alone.
I am just scared of being lonely.
I am not scared of loving.
I am just scared of not being loved back.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Monday, July 12, 2010

A year from now.

LOVE; it's this deep overwhelming feeling
that lives within an enamored being. It can
break you, but remember that it's better to
be broken and be able to mend than to be
shattered overall. I've loved before and I
am still loving with an intense passion.
That's the cynical thing about love, long
after it's gone from your grasp it still
lingers in your heart. However, just know
that everyday that passes the memories will
dim. The pain weakens. You'll learn how to
live without this certain person's love. I
would have loved that this would have been
it. That no mater what we would have both
fought with all of our might because of
the number one reason that kept us together,
LOVE. Nevertheless, this wasn't so. I just
want to say that throughout life we go
through mishaps so we can appreciate our
fortunes. I will love one day again and of
this I have no doubt of.

Listen to this song:
A year from now by Across Five Aprils.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Saturday, July 10, 2010

In the midst of everyday activities.

So yesterday in the midst of a bus station, blaring music
in my ears, a man who appeared to have some type of
disfunction, people staring, walking, the hot breeze,
tall buildings & many cars I started to write
the second part of my excerpt for my book. It was so
crazy how all of these ideas came to me just from watching
a man who appeared to have some type of disfunction. I wasn't
sure if it was down syndrome or something of that sort. Anyways
what I loved the most about it was that he inspired my ideas.
He made my mind soar. He made me write about 6 pages of roaring
feelings and I loved every second of it.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"Hey miss can I take you out to dinner?."

When is the right time to pursue a new relationship?
Right now I feel as if I have so much baggage.
So many things that I have to carry & I definitely don't
want to confuse myself further or hurt someone who doesn't
deserve to be hurt. However what do you do when you have so
many opportunities to start new? To start fresh? Do you
simply finally put your feelings behind you & take a leap
of faith or do you just wait until you're fully healed?
But when are you fully healed? When do you become repaired
enough to acutally go to dinner with a guy who has been pursuing
you for quite some time? What if you wait too long & that
opportunity passes you by? Doesn't that lead to more confusement?
Doesn't that lead to many more questions? Many more 'what ifs'?
But then again what if you do give it a try & it ends up not
being what you wanted it to be & you end up even more hurt
& also hurt that other person in the process? But
what if it ends up being all you've been searching for?....

In conclusion only you will know when to jump or stay seated.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Sunday, July 4, 2010

One love.

Aren't you tired of the running around? Don't you want to be my only one? Baby here I am, I'm your girl. One mind, one heart, one love. Take my hand this was made to last forever..♥

Mood: ANGRY!

Damn it when will this all end? When will I stop loving you?
Why must I continue to hurt? It's been 8 months already I should
be somewhat better, right? WRONG! Yea all that other shit I write
about being on square three & not looking to the past & it feeling
'damn good' is bullshit but I need to write things like that. It's
my source of strength. It's the only thing I can do to move forward,
day by day. When will I stop crying? This shit kills me knowing how
you're fucking going around jolly as shit enjoying your life while I
mourn our love lost, while I see you in my dreams, while somedays I
wakeup in the morning and fucking hope it's the day I see you. I've
been through heart break before but nothing compares to this shit.
This shit is real & I keep telling myself it will pass like the
prior one but this is difficult. It doesn't want to pass, it's not
like I'm telling myself it's going to be. I can't seem to shake you
& it seems like everyday our memories find their way deeper into my heart...

This is strenuous.
I just want it to end one way or another, it's about time.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Friday, July 2, 2010

A different kettle of fish.

So I'm single again, whatever that means..

I wish I could write every single emotion I
feel. Every thought that runs through my head.
Every word that comes to my mouth but that would be
dangerous. That would be fatal. It would destroy me.
It's like every single thing I am feeling is glued to
my soul and deep down I know I want to let it go but
superficially I refuse to do so. & I have no idea
why I refuse to do so. He was in my dreams
last night again..& another tragedy has struck my
home today. All I know is that God didn't make me
for failure, that's all I know.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Emotional rollercoaster.

My emotions have been eveywhere nowadays.
One moment I know exactly what I want the
next I don't have a clue of where I'm headed.
I know God has lots of plans for me I know
that I should be patient. But what happens
when you feel like you've been patient
enough? Yes I know it sounds extremely greedy.
But that's exactly how I feel. I feel like
I've been patient enough. For 7 months I have
been mourning a love lost & I want to stop
mourning it. I want things to be right already.
I want to be able to get into a relationship
with no strings attached. Currently I'm in one
but I already see signs of a failed relationship.
So why am I in it you may ask? Because I get closure
from him. I get warmth, attention, love. But that's all
nothing else. I get no intimacy. (& by intimacy I mean
sweet kisses, long hugs, walks in the park or along a
beach while holding hands, no cuddle time) & that's because
I don't let him get close to me, I don't want him to get close
to me. I have this bubble around me that prohibits him from
getting too close. He's nice, really nice (& good looking)
but that's all there's too this. A nice face I can look at
whenever I feel like this world is defeating me. I'm really
fucked up & I'm tired of being fucked up...

xSigned___JNF. ♥