Would you be "the homewrecker"?

I could never be "that" person. I could never be the homewrecker. I could never have it in me to destroy a family or a relationship. To destroy trust. To destroy part of a happy heart. Yet again, if the relationship was so perfect why was there a need to run to the homewrecker? Why was there a need for deceit, for pain, for confusion? However that is not my point.

I will never understand why a person cheats. And why there are people out there that condone this. Not meaning the people that somehow, in a subconcious way, allow or play a part in their significant other straying yet meaning the people on the other side. The ones that know they are helping this person cheat. The ones that push for this, because that's exactly what they are doing when they help another person cheat. What runs through their head? Is it the thrill? What do they think about at night when they are in the final stages of drifting off to sleep? What do they seek? Is it that they want attention? If so, why not seek a genuine relationship like a normal sane person? Don't they feel guilty? Don't they think about this person's children, if the have any? What about if this person is married? Don't they respect that enough to back away? An even more significant question is, what about the person that is being cheated on and the fact that they would have to bare this, isn't that enough to sit back and think about exactly what it is what they are doing?

And the person that is cheating... What EXACTLY runs through their head? If anything at all runs through it. My biggest question is why cheat? Why not be selfless and tell their significant other that the relationship no longer satisfies their need? Why not be a MAN or WOMAN and speak up, communicate? Or plain and simple let the relationship go with unspoken words. That would actually be easier in the long run to the person that is going to be cheated on or that is being cheated on. They might not understand it at that exact moment but believe me that later on they will. They will see that the relationship they were in wasn't worth it. That they are better off without this person and their deceitful ways. That one day they will find someone who meets their needs and loves them and wants nothing but the best for them.

I have been on the other side. I have been cheated on and I could tell you all the questions that ran through my head through that phase of my life. I could tell you in how much pain and confusion I was in during this time. I could tell you all of the endless questions I asked myself at night before going to sleep. I could tell you how I blamed myself day in and night out every day for 2 years of my life. I could tell you how I tired to hold on to my failing relationship, or relationSHIT per say, even though I knew exactly what was going on. I can confide in you and tell you, SPECIFICALLY, every single thing I felt, thought, did, acted on, held in, kept a secret, cried about, yelled about, talked about, but the past is the past and it is the past for a reason.

Now back to the people that cause the above things, WHY? Don't they think about these things? Don't they put themselves in these shoes? Don't they think, "what if this was me that was being cheated on, how would I feel"?

Ladies and gentlemen if you find yourself in this predicament, WALK AWAY! If he or she cheats with you he or she will cheat on you! As simple as that. If this person truly wanted to be with you they wouldn't find the need to sneak behind their significant other's back to be with you. The more we condone this in this society the more screwed up it will be in the future. Act the way you would like a man or a woman to treat your future daughter or son. Believe it or not, what goes around comes BACK AROUND! XO!

xSigned___JNF. ♥

YOU KEEP TALKING, I'LL KEEP STRIVING!

I really dislike when a person has nothing going for their life and they try to do everything in their power to try to bring others down! However, I believe that when you're passionate about something you don't mind the hard work, you don't mind staying up all night finishing what you have begun. You don't mind the things people mutter behind your back. You pay no mind to the useless actions they take to try to bring you down. You pay no mind to those who pretend to "care" when in reality all they really "care" about are your failures so that they can gain strength from them. This is where you do everything in your power to get through the restless nights, early mornings, and long days to get to the finish line. There are times where you may want to give up but every day you remember why you keep reaching. You remember the little yet BIG exemplification that is waiting for you to reach it. You'll do anything to reach it, no matter who, what, where, when, why, or how. Never in a million years let ANYONE try and deviate you from your passions, no matter what they are!

Here's a little quote you can tell those people "YOU KEEP TALKING, I'LL KEEP STRIVING!"

XO!

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Blank ideas.

Sometimes I open a new blog post knowing exactly what it is that I want to write, then I get to the blank template and nothing seeps through my fingertips. No ideas collect in my head. No emotions sing in my heart.

There have been a series of events that have transcended this academic year, some good some bad. All worth it in the end. It's currently finals week and all I have to do is take 2 final exams to leave this semester in the past.

Sometimes you wish to speed up time. Sometimes you pray that one day you'll wake up and finally be happy. Sometimes you thank a higher being for allowing you to be exactly where you are.
I've done all of the above, sometimes without thinking, other times thoroughly thought out.

Life is a series of events, all designed uniquely for an individual purpose. It's up to you to run with them or let them affect you.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Grateful.

As I sit here in one of the coffee shops located on my school campus listening to classical music on my iPad 2 on this cold winter day I look back at what this year has been. What it has brought. What it has taken away. What memories I have made. It's the first day of the last month of the year and though it's nostlagic to know the year is almost over I am fully satisfied with this year. For all I have learned. For all I have experienced. For all of the things that have pushed me every single morning to get up and live the new day I was given. I am so blessed and so thankful for all the things I have in my life. Are you?


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Set fire to the rain.

I burned the pictures to ashes.
I pawned the jewelry.
I sold the clothes & the shoes.
I rid myself of everything that was you once and for all.
For the better, I permanently deleted your name out of my terminology.
From my head, I deleted the memories.
From my heart, I deleted the love.
From my body, I washed away the impurities that you kissed upon me.
From my lips, I wiped away the venomous kisses you once layed upon them.
I took back the innocence I once knew.
I took me back.
I brought myself back to reality.

No relationship is worth sacrificing your dignity or self worth for, EVER!

Peace & love kids.

xSigned____JNF. ♥

Time waits for no one.

My life has been a blur the past couple of weeks. Between school, work, meetings, traveling, and everything else; I barely have time for myself. Anyways this blog post is not about how exhausted I have been instead to share with you something that recently happened to me but forgot to share.

So about a week ago I turned 21 years old. Before that, for the past 20 years of my life, I heard my parents tell me not to have a boyfriend until I had an established career. Not to take any relationship(s) seriously because I was young and all guys wanted to do was take advantage of me. Now that I am 21 it is a different ball game. The other day I had routinely called my mother and was talking to her. She had asked me how had I spent my first night being 21 and of course I kind of left out the part where I went to the bar and got drunk with my girlfriends like every 21 year old does. I proceeded to tell her that I was cold (I was walking to work at this point) and she replied with: "Well if you had a boyfriend he would have been warming you up." There was a silence on my end of the line. What was I suppose to say? I didn't know if this was a trick remark of some sort. She proceeded in telling me that it was about time that I went out there and found someone deem of me because I was "getting old" (MAJOR INSULT!). Basically my mother told me that time waits for no one. That it takes 2 people to find each other. Not just a woman sitting at home waiting for the "right man" to come find her because there isn't a "right man". That love will pull people together and break them apart but at the end of the day the only thing that counts is that you're willing to go out there and risk being pulled apart once more (she was referring to my ex-boyfriend here). I learned something new that day. Peace and Love kids!

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Everything Happens For A REASON?!

Recently something happened to me that I never in a million years would have thought it would have happened to me. I would disclose what it was but it's a bit personal so I rather not. I've always heard the saying "everything happens for a reason" I've even used it a couple of times in my life. OKAY maybe more than a couple of times. Up until about 3 days ago when this tragic thing happened to me did I really know the meaning of what it was. I was, and still kind of am, upset at the fact that this happened to me BUT I guess I can look at the positive side of this and tell myself that "everything happens for a reason". Just know that when the universe decides to attack you it's not because it has something personal against you, instead it is because it has it's own ways of making sure you are on the right track. Peace and Love kids!


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Send his ASS packing!

Hypocrisy is something I've never been fond of. I've never tolerated it but up until the other day did I notice that women are the biggest hypocrites alive. We say things we don't mean. We allow men to take advantage of us and when they turn their backs we say we'll put them in line then they tell us a sweet thing and POW we're back to being hypocrites. I KNOW that NOT all women are like this but some, okay MANY, are. Things happen in this world because we sometimes allow them too. Men cheat because we're either helping them cheat or forgiving them because they cheated. I assure you that if you set boundaries and even if it was just ONE time that he were to cross those boundaries and you sent his ass packing he would learn. If the next girl did the same thing and the one after that and the one after her and so on this world would be a much better place! Later kids.

xSigned_JNF. ♥

Love without expecting.

I've never denied being in love. I've never deliberately tried to convince myself to no longer love someone. Yes, I did love a person that consiously or subconsiously didn't love me back with as much passion as I did. Yes I physically, emotionally, and mentally gave myself to him so that instead he gave merely nothing in return. Yes this was the first man I had ever been intimate with. I was young, naïve, and passionately in love. Would I take it all back? Never. Never will I look back at this in regret for God doesn't put you through something you aren't able to handle and learn from. Some ask me why him and I reply why not? Everyone has the right to be loved for who they are no matter what. Everyone has the right to love risking to not be loved at all in return and that was my case. But I loved without expecting and not because I was dumb or young or whatever the case may have been but because that is how one should love; without expectations.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Summer 2011! ♥

So summer has ended and Fall 2011 classes have begun. It's my senior year of college and I'm nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. This summer was filled with so many memories, good and bad. However, I'm entirely glad I experienced it. I spent money too recklessly, I had long nights, I took too little trips, I spent an array of time at the beach, I ate whatever and whenever! I cried, laughed, danced, slept all at the same time (Is that possible?). I worked an amazing job and met amazing people. I spent too little time indoors and too much time outside. Could my summer have been better? YES! But would I trade it for a re-do? HELL NO! Summers are for lessons, for mistakes, for new people andd old people. They are to be lived carefree with one thing in mind, make it a memorable one. As I kissed summer 2011 goodbye yesterday, I welcomed with open arms Fall 2011.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

I LOVE loving myself!

Single.. I've been 'single' for the past 2 years of my life. Not because I can't find anyone to be with, not because I am bitter and angry at my ex, not because I am not attractive and capable of having a long term relationship with someone, not because I want to be but because I can. I am attractive, intelligent, charismatic, and strong; in every sense of the word. Yes I can find someone to be with, but why haven't I? I get asked this question a lot. Why am I single? Why haven't I found someone to put a beautiful ring on my finger? I used to ponder those questions a lot but now I pay them no mind. I am about to be 21 years old in about 2 months and so what that I am single! I am currently in a relationship with myself and that's all that counts. I LOVE loving myself. Something I didn't quite do correctly for the past 4 years of my life. I have one piece of advice.. You only have one heart, be true to it.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Closure.

"Don't let loneliness drive you back into the arms of someone you KNOW doesn't give a damn about you."

The other night I did this. I let my loneliness drive me back into the arms of someone I know (or atleast I think I know) doesn't give a damn about me. Funny thing is loneliness did the same thing for him. Maybe we both do care no matter how much we go around telling people we "just don't give a damn." Closure is something I have never understood. How many times do you get closure until you've satisfied that thirst within you to get closure? What is closure? Is closure when the other person blatantly tells you that he or she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore, forcing you to move on? Is closure when the other person tells you that things will never work out between the both of you? Is closure a kiss? Is it a hug? It is 'closure sex'? Is it a word of comfort? What exactly is closure? When defined it states that it is an act or process of closing something. How long is the act? How long is the process? It doesn't state. Can you go your whole life closing something? Because it seems to me that I've been closing this chapter of my life for the past couple of years but maybe what I need is this one little thing called closure. This one little thing that I have no idea how to go about. Do I write a letter? Send a text? Tell him to meet me somewhere so we can talk, like adults? Deep down what I really want is for him to look me dead in my eyes and tell me, "Jamie, you and I, will never be one." I also know deep down he wouldn't do this (it's a gut feeling! You know what they say about a woman's intuition!). But if he does do that then what? Have I gotten my closure?

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Timing is everything.

Remember that wonderful man I wrote about in previous blogs? Well he's gone. Gone like the wind. I guess this is the way life works. He's not gone because of me and some crazy story you have just made up in your head about how I let my baggage get in the way and blah blah blah. Actually I was doing really well with my baggage. He was helping me unpack it, sort it out, help me realize which I can keep and which I can throw out. Suddenly he helped me repack and told me to hit the road. NOT IN THOSE EXACT WORDS! But in these words, "I really want to be with you BUT I don't have time to do so right now." I was always told that when a man speaks, you listen. I listened very well and I repacked me baggage and hit the road. We're still friends of some sort and like he stated "She was it I swear. But the timing was wayyy off" on his twitter the other day, timing was way off and timing is everything. XOXO.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

I love me MORE.

Life has been blissful lately :) I just finished my first summer course and just got off a 3 day weekend! Today I went back to work but I'm definitely looking forward to this weekend! I get to spend 4 days at the beach, YAYYY :D be happy for me ;) Well I hope you guys have been doing well. XO.


No, I refuse to let you come into my life once more and shake it up. I rather miss you from afar because for four months I was perfectly fine without you. Yes I thought about you and wanted to see you BUT I was fine, I was happy; I was going on with life. Now you pull one of your "let me appear for a couple of days and disappear for months" stunt; I refuse to play along with this. My feelings are always the ones that end up getting hurt and you might not care about them but I DO! Once and for all someone has got to put a stop to this never ending cycle. I love you, but I love me more.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Old memories.

Hello dolls! I know I know, I've been gone for too long! *Waves hand in air and sips coffee*

Anyways yea yea blah blah many things have been happening in my life curretnly, you guys know the drill. Let's get to the good stuff :D
Two things happened today 1. An array of thoughts seeped into my head and 2. I watched the last episode of season 5 of Keeping up with the Kardashians. (These things go hand in hand!) Today a person seeped into my head and an array of memories along with this person did also. My ex boyfriend's mother seeped into my head. This woman was so wonderful to me. I owe her so much and I wish I had the time to repay her for all she has done for me. I feel like that's a hard part of breaking off a relationship. It's hard to also leave behind the people who were so wonderful to you and had nothing to do with your failing relationship. You invested so much time and emotion into them. Atleast I know I did. Whether or not they would like you. Whether or not you would get along. Whether or not they would accept you. And when finally all of the above is grounded you've got to move on and leave them behind. How do you explain to them that there are boundaries all of a sudden. How do you explain to them that you can no longer pop up at their house and visit. Or call them or text them? How do you explain this? Why do they have to pay for YOUR failing relationship? I've been wondering this for 2 years. Today while watching the last episode of KUWTK, Kim and Khloe got into a huge argument over Khloe having pictures of Kim's ex boyfriend around the house. Khole explained that she had invested so much emotion in Kim's ex boyfriends that it was hard to just move on the way Kim did and leave them behind. I totally agreed and saw myself in the same predicament. There have been times where I just wanted to drive over to my ex boyfriend's mother's house and spend a good afternoon in her company like I had always done but I refrained from it because times are different now. Things have changed. Though it seems unfair I guess it's part of the moving on process. XOXO loves!


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Support system = GOD.

Hey loves! :)

It's been a week since I moved into my new place! Whoooo time flew and aside from the weary, rainy weather we've been having; it's been pretty much great :) I started a summer course today, which idk how I feel about it, but hopefully as things start going I get the hang of things. I've also been searching for a job high and low and no one wants to hire which has me a little worried. Nonetheless, I have faith that something will come up. I've got a great support system backing me up and rooting for me, AKA: GOD! ;) Anyways, peace and love darlingssss!

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Overdose on this medicine, side effects: HAPPINESS!

Some people have been asking me how, how am I doing what I'm currently doing, after being in such a long relationship and being heartbroken for quite some time and I am here to address this the best way I know possible, by telling the truth.


I have no secrets, there are no recipes.
I have no superpowers nor am I a psychic.
I didn't read any books nor did I take any medicine.
The only thing I can prescribe for a broken heart is time.
That's what I prescribed myself.
Time to cry.
Time to heal.
Time to reevaluate my life and myself.
Time to look back.
Time to come to terms with what had happened to my relationship.
Time to mature.
Most importantly time to move on.

This is it, that's what I did for 2 years of my life.
I cried, I tried to get into forced relationships, I kept going back to my ex, I made mistakes, I stumbled, I fell; HARD but I got up. I reevaluated myself, I gave myself time, I matured, and most importantly I moved on. And that's how I am able to be open up to another man without feeling a bit of remorse, without judging him, without worrying that he might do to me what my ex did, without pointing fingers. Was it easy?! HELL NO! It took a lot to be where I am today and it's taking a lot more to keep me here but I am here and it is not impossible. With a lot of dedication and the correct support system anyone can be where I am today. Never loose faith in yourself or love because if you loose yourself, you loose everything. PEACE & LOVE KIDS! XO.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

P.S Above all else love yourself!

GENTLE and a MAN.

You, you came back into my life when I least expected you too.
Old friends catching up like it hadn't been years since we last spoke.
Like we had been communicating all those lost years between us.
And here I am, with a stomach full of butterflies.
More open than I have ever been.
Open to you.
Open to this.
Open to being loved and to love.
Yes I was hurt and deceived before you but I refuse to let that cripple my future or let alone me.
Now I understand what people mean when they look at me and tell me "Jamie you're such a strong person."
I always refused to believe that but now I see it, I feel it.
I love this empowerment I have over myself.
How I'm able to not allow my past experiences ruin my future ones.
How I've taken them and made them learning experiences.
I love every minute I spend with you.
In your presence.
It's amazing to know that men like you still exist, the kind that are a true definition of a gentleman, GENTLE and a MAN.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Don't forget your roots.

I've abandoned you guys :( with good reason though! I have finished my last semester being a Junior in college and next semester I go in as a college Senior! Wooooh how time flies! I was just graduating high school not so long ago, atleast that's how it feels. However as I look back at the wonderful memories I am absolutely glad and most importantly blessed to be where I am today. So many things have happened within this 2 week period that it's unbelieveable! I've moved into my own apartment, a wonderful man has entered my life, i've been exhausted, I've cried, I've been happy, I've smiled, laughed; soooo many things it's overwhelmingly joyous. I have to give thanks to God ofcourse who's guided me down this amazing path and for allowing me to never loose faith in him and the wonderful things he has had in store for me. Anyways guys PEACE & LOVE. XO.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Move on. Move out. Move in.

As I told you all I am moving out of my parents house and NO LONGER DORMING and moving into my own apartment in approximately 2 weeks! I'm excited about this eventhough it's a little bittersweet. However in the midst of it all I have come up with a list of pros about moving into my new place. Read on!

-My own personal space!
-No more sharing the bathroom with 40000 other not so clean girls.. (Things got sooooo disgusting this semester in our floor bathroom :-/)
-No more having to leave my place to go to the dining hall in sleet, hail, flood, tornado, blizzard, and any other dire weather forecasts to eat disgusting food.
-I have my own kitchen to eat an array of GREAT food!
-No more eating out and having to wait 45 mins to an hour for it to get to my place. I live in the heart of my school's Main street.
-No more having someone disturb your sleep or nap -____-
-No more having someone loudly talk on the phone around you when you want to do the above!
-No more having someone loudly bang their drawers in the morning!
-Did I mention my OWN PERSONAL SPACE!
-I get to do what I want, when I get, how I want, whenever I want in my own bedroom without having to ask "do you mind"!
-My own livng room :)
-No more COURTESY RULES!
-No more QUIET HOURS!
-No more building curfew (yes the dorm I lived in had curfew o___O)
-NO MORE ROOMMATES!

Okay I think I'm done! Feel free to add any ;) PEACE AND LOVE!

xSigned___JNF. ♥

♥

Pretty much, you've brought me back, the me that I used to know, but lost somewhere along the way. ♥

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Welcome back home.

I'm happy. I'm extremely happy, all thanks to one wonderful man. I am home, back to the place where I know I am loved. There's one person I've got to thank.. GOD.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Nostalgia.

"He told me that in Greek, nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound. It’s a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. Goes backwards, forwards, and takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called ‘The Wheel,’ it’s called ‘The Carousel.’ It lets us travel the way a child travels, round and around and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved." - Don Draper, Mad Men


This is me currently. I keep going around in this carousel. Round and round. I want to go home. I want to go back to the place where I know I am loved.

This is my 100th post and boyyyyyy what an amazing ride it has been. I love the fact that I have this pace where I can come to and express everything and anything. Thanks for all the support and for reading ;) Peace and love kids.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Who the hell knows!

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our things were answers like astronaut, president, or in my case, princess. When we were ten, they asked us again. We answered - rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medallist. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a more serious answer. Well, how about this… Who the hell knows? This isn’t a time to make hard and fast decisions. This is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy because there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… We won’t have to guess. We’ll know. -Eclipse

I read this and it reminded me so much of what my life has been the past 20 years. I just wanted to share it with you guys. Peace and love.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Not so happy birthday.

Today is your birthday. What do birthdays really mean? Hopefully a celebration of another year of life of lessons learned, memories created, new friends, old friends and everything else in between. I say most importantly another year given to you to grow up. Hopefully this is the case for you, especially you. For the past 2 yrs after we broke up. I waited for this day, this night. Where hopefully I would be the first person to sing you a song, send you a text. Help you see that I still cared. But last night was different. Last night I didn't wait for today. I didn't sing you a song or send you a text. Not because I didn't care. Not because "I have a boyfriend" but because I didn't want to be that girl anymore. See I am different. Times are different. I love me. With my whole heart and I refuse to jeopardize my love for myself for someone as selfish as you. I refuse to fall into that category again. Maybe you noticed or maybe you didn't. But you as well as I do know that you waited for this day too. You wait for this day because it's the only day out of the whole year that you have a chance to jump at things. I'm tired of chances and I'm tired of giving them to you because every year for my birthday I waited for you to sing me a song or send me a text. Yet I never received either. Happy birthday to you. Peace and love kids.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

That girl.

I hope anyone out there that is going through this can get up one day and realize that this is UNACCEPTABLE. These things only happen because we allow them too. Peace and love kids.

"I'm fighting for RESPECT because I will never be content with being your backdoor hoe, your something on the side, your something to do during those lonely nights, your closet freak, you will never reduce me to a skank and a whore and though I love you I rather spend every night crying alone on my bedroom floor than ever be THAT GIRL."

Why wait?

I'm suppose to be doing a case study on Red Bull for my Marketing class that's due tomorrow but I opted out on it and decided to blog instead which always ups my mood. Anyways lately I've been thinking about so many things, my future in general, and today as I sat around a table with many of my colleagues discussing "girl stuff" while enjoying our daily meal it hit me. It all hit me at the same time. I spent the whole day processing so many things in my head that I even got so exhausted that I fell asleep and was late for one of my meetings.. *Sigh*

Anyways I have recently began wondering why men are able to just get up and look for a relationship but women just need to sit there and wait to be found. How come this is so? I have recently began seeing that my CLOCK IS TICKING and it is not waiting for me to catch up. How am I just suppose to sit here and "wait" for "love" to come find me? It's the way it's suppose to be done I KNOW but in this fast paced, polychronic society we live in who has TIME to just sit around and wait? I don't think I am patient enough for this. Excuse my french but FUCK what the books say! I bet the first people that are going to disagree with me are the ones that ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. That's another thing I have to STOP doing is turning to those people that do not have what I want to have! Peace and love kids.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

"You're the only reason I am...You are all my reasons."

"I know why families were created with all their imperfections. They humanize you. They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed. I think people should appreciate if they have a brother, or sister, they don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight & get on our nerves, but to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family that changes it all & makes you realize what you have right in front of your face & that I'm truly grateful for..."


I saw this.
I read this.
I smiled.

Peace & love.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Life is a ticking bomb.

Yesterday, while I was having a good 'ol nap (something I rarely have) my sister called me. I noticed she was frantic, very frantic and shaky. I proceeded to ask her what was the matter and crying she told me about an incident that had happened at her job: an elder man had died right before her eyes. Through the tears, exhaustion, impact, and every other feeling that was surging through her she told me this: "It made such a huge impact in my life. He was alright one minute and the next minute he was dead. It makes me really appreciate my loved ones." I thought about this for 2 hrs. after we hung up and she had calmed down. She is right you know. Though this elder man had health conditions he was still alive and moving. One minute he was sitting on a chair at her job and the next minute he was gone. We often complain about the life we lead or if one of our loved ones happen to frustrate us but the truth is life is a ticking bomb ready to explode when the time runs out. We all have a path in this life and once our path reaches a dead end, well that's it a dead end. It's scary to think about but it helps you understand that nothing is forever. That instead of complaining about the little things, appreciate them. That the next time you want to tell your sister, your brother, or anyone that you "hate them" (even if you don't mean it!) because they've gotten you mad THINK and instead tell them you LOVE THEM. Call your parents just to see how they are doing if you don't live with them. Tell your siblings you love them even though they get on your nerves. Call a friend and ask how they've been doing. Go take a walk. Run that extra mile. Go watch a sunset. Do things you've never done before just because you want too. Tomorrow is not promised and you never know when your bomb will explode. Peace and love kids.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

A little too late.

If the opportunity was given would you take me back?
If I told you I was ready to do this the right way would you take me back?
If I told you I'm ready for what you have to give would you take me back?
If I told you I can't live without you what would you do?
If I told you I can't see myself with anyone else what would you say?
If I proved that I was deem of you how would you feel?
If I showed you that I'm truly in love with you would you believe it?
If I told you I'm ready for us would you give me another chance?

So many questions but so little time. I'm sorry baby but somebody else is taking up my time. You might have come a little too late this time around.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Happiest man on earth.

"You're such a beautiful person inside and out. You're going to make a man very happy one day."

I've been told this countless amounts of times throughout my life. I just want to know when is there going to be a man BOLD and STRONG enough to say to me.."You're going to make ME a happy man one day."


XSigned___JNF. ♥

Matters of the heart.

"Master, the man I loved was totally dishonest," she explained to him one day, as she thought of Finn.
"If he was dishonest, he was a great lesson for you," the swamiji answered her after a long pause for thought. "We are always better than before when those we love inflict wounds on us. They make us stronger, and when you forgive him, you will no longer feel the scars." She was aware still that she did feel them, along with the regrets. And part of her still loved him. Her memories of the early days were the hardest to give up. She was more than willing to forget the pain. "You must thank him for the pain, deeply, sincerely. He gave you a great gift," the swamiji told her.


This is from a book I just finished reading today by Danielle Steel (my favorite author) called "Matters of the Heart" it was an amazing book but besides that this resounded profoundly within me because it reminds me so much of me and my first love. I believe in this with my whole heart and I just wanted to share it with you.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

One day soon.

I was in bed but too many memories seeped into my head and too many tears cluttered my vision so I decided to blog. I had been thinking about past loves and how fast time has gone by. It was like yesterday I remember getting into my first relationship. Oh how innocent I had been, how pure had that love been and how amazing had everything ended. No hard grudges, no heartbreak, no anger. Just two individuals moving on in life and realizing that better things awaited them. That they were to see better things. Of course I was melancholy, I was moving to a whole new state. I was going to a whole new high school. I was leaving my friends behind. My second relationship met me here. Again I had been pure, innocent, naive. Yet this time it was different. This time my heart broke. This time I cried toxic tears. This time I had met something new, deceit. I had met unfaithfulness. Yet years later he still tells me to forgive him and take him back. Yes I forgave him, but take him back?! Now maybe in another life and even then i would think about it. My last relationship met me here.. & It was the first time I had ever been in love. I didn't know what it was to love an imperfect person so perfectly in my life until my last relationship. My love for this man ran so deeply that it poisoned me in every way possible. It was deep. It was scary. It was in every way exactly what I wanted. I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much but my friends it's possible. Hopefully one day soon I get to love like this again. I have so much love to give but no one to give it too..


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Holla if ya need me..

Holla if ya need me. - Trey Songz

This song has been on repeat for about 2 weeks, since I first discovered it existed.
& since I decided to dedicate this song to him indirectly, can you blame me?
I'm pretty sure if I tell you about him, the good things; since I've told you all of the asshole moves he's pulled indirectly, that you wouldn't blame me. Anyways, this song was indirectly dedicated to him because in many ways the song pertains to him and I. He was my first love, that tie will never be broken. I love him and I'm sure if he's to ever need my help I would provide my assistance. Your Ex's don't always have to be your worst enemies. We shared 6 yrs of our lives, and yes I did want him dead (OMGHHKP! Not LITERALLY) for breaking my heart, but he was my friend before he was my lover. With that said, if there are any bridges in need of repair with any of your Ex's that you can fix up then fix them. On the other hand if you know for sure that, that bridge can not be fixed don't hurt yourself trying to get to the other side. I know/knew my bridge could be repaired and it was or still is being so.

"& if we never get it back you see, you can still come & holla at me...."

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Expectations.

I don't expect much, I just want someone to step up and love me like I deserve to be loved.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

A good woman.

I have never in my life tried to force onto a man that I am a good woman. A woman that knows what she wants and knows where she is headed. A woman that won't stand for nonsense. A woman that deserves to be respected. A woman that is not afraid to go after what she wants. A woman that is not afraid to lead as well as follow. Never have I ever had to force this onto a man because I believe that actions speak louder than words. MY actions speak way louder than me sitting here telling you that I am all of the above. Yes I am human therefore I am flawed, no doubt about it. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Have I made dumb decisions? Yes. Have I learned from them? Hell yes. But this doesn't constitute what my character and personality are made of. Needless to say I refuse to waste my time trying to change up someone's opinion because baby if you don't want me then somebody else will. YOUR loss not mine.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Back to the drawing board.

There are so many things that have happened ever since the last time I blogged that I don't even know where to begin. The week prior to this one was horrible! I had 4 exams in between meetings, and everything else. I had never been so exhausted in my life. Needless to say I didn't perform as well as I would have if so many things hadn't been thrown at me. I'm still quite getting over the fact that so many things happened that week. But the past is the past, right? Lesson learned... Well I got back into the swing of things this week and it was a really hectic week also but I coped with it so it didn't bother me much. Today I also went to look at an apartment that I thought was a good catch but my future housemate thought it wasn't, sooooo back to the drawing board it is. *Sigh*.



Well I hope you guys have been doing better than me :)
XOXO.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Celebrate yourself!

Valentine's day came and went. Honestly I thought I was going to be a bitter person today going around cursing the cute little things couples would be doing around campus during this day. I woke up this morning and thanked God for another day of life. Another opportunity to start over new. I found myself in the best spirits ever. And as the day went on it just got better and better. I was so happy for the little things. The smiles I gave strangers. The cute little text messages my girlfriends wrote me. The cute little messages the guys who secretly have a crush on me wrote on my Facebook wall or privately messaged me them. The greetings strangers would give me and I would return. The beautiful 55 degree weather. The sky. The lunch I had with one of my best friends. The hugs from friends. The Valentine's day wishes from professors. I appreciated it all. I celebrated the new love that has come into my life, the love that has gone, and the love that has yet to be but most importantly I celebrated ME. I celebrated the fact that on a day like this I didn't have to be with a significant other to appreciate it. I celebrated the fact that I am finally mature enough to love myself, and be indulged in myself so much that I didn't miss the company of a significant other on a day like today. I loved every minute of today, single and all. ;)

I hope everyone had as good of a Valentine's day as I did! & if you didn't just remember there is always next year! Muahhhhh.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

Pretty little toes.

Today I got a package that very much made me extremely happy. Anyways this is not the point of my post. As I was riding the elevator back up to my dorm I glanced down at my feet (I was wearing flip-flops). For a very long time I was the girl that detested wearing flip-flops or open toed shoes or sandals because I hated my toes. As I glanced down I smiled and I can now say that I LOVE my toes. It took a very long time for me to get to this point but I did it. It took a lot of soul nurturing. A lot of things I never did like wearing flip-flops and open toed shoes and sandals for me to become comfortable with my feet. I believe this is how life is. You may not like an aspect of yourself but once you take the time to nurture that "ugly part" of you, you'll end up being comfortable with it. I said goodbye to sneakers during the summer and said hellooooo to bare feet and cute summer shoes. You should do the same with the aspect or aspects you don't like about yourself. Try something new for once!

xoxo.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Sunrise.

I just read a post like 2.1 Milli. seconds ago and as soon as I finished reading it I rushed to my blog to write this. The post was a very good one. It was about finally letting go of things that make you miserable and just living. Live your life. Do what makes YOU happy. Whether it's sleeping all day or going around the world and visiting new places. This made me think of something I want to do. I want to watch the sunrise. I want to drive my car far far away to an isolated place where I can sit and indulge in a new dawn. A new life. A new opportunity to start over new because that's exactly what a new day signifies. It signifies new strength. A new chance at doing exactly what it is you want to do. Whether it be tomorrow or 10 years from now. I want to do this. I want to somehow feel liberated and new and refreshed. I want that feeling a new dawn brings; a feeling of "I CAN and WILL conquer" today. I hope you have something that can make you feel like this in your life. XOXO.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

DEAD END.

After a while you get tired of the apologies, the excuses, the second chances; just so they could take you for granted one more time. It's been a long road, but every road has a DEAD END.




xSigned___JNF. ♥

You have a HUGE trustfund, now spend it!

I wanted to share this with all of you! I hope you enjoy it and find that it may brighten up your days like it did for me.

Keep the faith. Just keep it.



Holding firm in your belief about the life you want and taking action from that place creates miracles. The ride may be rocky. Times may sometimes be tough.



Things might not always work out the way you want them to, but if you keep the faith that your ideal scene in life is possible and never give up, soon enough it will come round to you.



You can't say you really have faith if you give up when things get tough. That's not real faith, that's pretend faith. Someone who has true faith in themselves and in The Uni-verse will press on no matter what the circumstance is.



There is no challenge too small for someone who is rooted in faith. There is no time that is too hard, because those with faith keep their ideal outcome in mind and know that they are stronger than their circumstances.



It's a well known that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. If money is tight, if no one believes in your dreams, if you just want to give up, remember you have a GIGANTIC TRUST FUND of faith that you can use.



Get busy spending your faith every day; it can never run out. Your dreams are real. Take action to make it so. Don't give up. Just press on one day at a time - the dawn will break, my friend, the dawn WILL break!


There is always hope. When you want to give up, when all seems lost, when there seems to be no reason to keep going - THIS MOMENT - is the moment to press on one more day. It is those who press on beyond the low points in life that push through that barrier of resistance into a seemingly magical world.



Faith is where it begins. Acting on your faith is how it happens. You do not have faith if you stop believing when things go wrong. The depth of your faith is tested when things go wrong.

- Mastin Kipp


xSigned___JNF. ♥

MY heart talks...

It tells me to give up, it tells me to hold on. It tells me it’s not worth it, it tells me it’ll cost everything. It tells me to try one more time, it tells me to put the cards down. It tells me to keep going, it tells me to stop running. It tells me don’t cry, it tells me just let it out. It tells me everything’s going to be okay, it tells me it doesn’t look too bright. It tells me to forget it, it tells me to hold on tight. It tells me it’s a mistake, it tells me don’t regret it. It tells me to forgive you, it tells me to hate you. It tells me to stop trying, it tells me don’t give up. It tells me to move on, it tells me to stay put. It tells me to stop hurting myself, it tells me to go after you. And I’m telling myself let go.. let go of the pain.. the unnecessary torment .. But how can I when I obviously still love you like this. How can I forget you when I see you first within a crowd of hundreds. How can I move on when I am so close.. How can I stop trying when I want to be with you so badly.. I’m stressing myself out, making my mind run miles and miles in circles. I can’t make up my mind on which direction to take. Slowly I feel like I’m losing myself, piece by piece. I’m trying so hard for you to open your eyes, and see what love really is. To see who’s really right here for you. And it doesn’t help that I keep changing my mind every five seconds, confused on what to do. You make me so indecisive. So unsure. Should I stay, should I go? Pack my bags and leave? Stay up all night, with my phone in my hand, hoping I’d come to mind when you look for someone to call? Should I press ignore? Accept? You’re giving me nothing but mix signals. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I bother.

We talk but do we listen?

We all talk about moving on. About letting things go. About leaving the past where it belongs, in the past. But you as well as I do know that it takes a lot of strength and courage to do the above. I've been on this boat. I've sailed in it many times. I've said my shares of "it's time to move on", "it's time to let it go", "it's time to leave the past where it belongs". Though how long do you tell yourself these things until you finally do them? I kid you not, I think I've been saying these things to myself for about 2 years about a certain relationship and still here I am. Still here I am moving on, leaving the past where it belongs, letting go. Maybe some of us do these things because we have no idea how to go about them. Maybe we do it because we are scared of the outcome. Maybe we do it because we have no idea what we are doing. I am lost. I am confused. I am lonely. I believe that I shouldn't be these things but I am and I can't help it. I can't help the fact that I exude these things more than I exude my own happiness. I am healthy. I am about to graduate college. I have a good family and a fantastic set of friends. I can't ask for more but I do ask to move on. I ask all the time. Nevertheless I am still glued to this forlorn place. And no matter how many times I tell myself move on, let go, leave the past where it belongs I still can't manage to do them..I wonder why?


xSigned___JNF. ♥

New beginnings...

As I sit here after I've packed almost my whole room up to go back to college tomorrow I can't help but think about all the things that this new semester may bring. I don't know if these things will be good or will they be bad but whatever the case may be all I hope is that I learn and grow from them. I know everyone is scared of the unknown but lord help me I am beyond scared of what lies ahead of me. This is my last semester as an undergrad, meaning that next year at this time I'll be graduating college. How time flies... I remember like it was yesterday how I graduated high school with so many dreams. A scared little girl worried about what lied in college and here I am a young woman about to graduate college with top honors. I can't wait but I'm scared and I hope *crossing my fingers* that this semester is full of wonderful things. Well, talk to you guys some time soon! Just remember that when it comes to your dreams and aspirations NEVER TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER! You must thrive because no matter what you will get there. Many blessings and lots of love from me to you. XOXO.


xSigned___JNF. ♥

It isn't about...

It isn't about who I thought loved me then hurt me.
It isn't about who has made me cry.
It isn't about who told me they were going to be there, then disappeared.
It isn't about who didn't accept the way I am.
It isn't about any of that.
It's about the fact that throughout it all I can still smile.
I can still be happy & most importantly I can still love,
with all of my might as if I had never been hurt before.
That's exactly what it is about.



xSigned___JNF. ♥

Lonely days like today.

Sometimes I think of you.
I smile at the good memories we shared.
I remember your scent sometimes.
That fresh soapy smell the soap would leave on your skin after your shower.
You would cuddle with me and I would inhale deeply like it was my last breath.
But don't get frightened it wasn't like that I was just trying to capture your scent for days like today.
Lonely days.
Sometimes I remember snippets of our funny conversations and laugh all by myself.
Sometimes I remember the way you would kiss my forehead in the morning before you would leave to work and then call me during your break to tell me that you couldn't wait to come home to me.
Sometimes I remember the way you would kiss me with such passion or the way you would caress my body with your embrace.
Sometimes all I've got is this, memories.
For lonely days like today....


xSigned___JNF. ♥