Monday, June 28, 2010

Sleeping memories.

Today I dreamt of him, like every other day.
These were the exact words in my dream that
came out of his mouth: "I'm not even going to
lie after November I was in a thinking phase but
I decided to wait for the right one. The one whose
going to be there for me 100% and give me her all. No
doubt you were there for me but you only gave me 25%
of you." (& then my 3 yr. old brother decided to
savagely knock on my door and awoke me!) This however
will haunt me forever the fact that I never got to show
him the real me. The real me everyone so dearly loves
& cares for. The girl I thought he was refusing to see
but in reality I was the one refusing to show him. This
answers the one question I always asked myself, "How can
everyone see & admire all of my beautiful assets but he
can't?" Well that's because I never allowed him to see them.

Maybe one day I'll get another opportunity to do so...

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Days like today.

It's days like today that I hate the most.
Days like today that make me extremely mad.
All of the strength I've been mustering up to deal
with all of these emotions has partially crumbled.
It's days like today that make me realize how lonely
I am without a certain kind of affection. I don't want
prince charming, nor a knight in shining armour. All I want
is for a MAN to come into my life and save me from days like today.
I want him to love me profoundly so I can do the same.
I want someone I can finally share the rest of my life
with and be happy that he's the person I am spending
the rest of my life with. I'm tired of dealing with
this stereotypical pain. This stereotypical heartbreak.
When will this all end?

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Friday, June 25, 2010

Back to square three.

After about a month without hearing from you,
today out of all days, you decide to call me.
It was kind of weird to hear your sweet voice,
that I so many nights had yearned to hear. I
dismissed your call blatantly,telling you that
I was busy & couldn't talk, without giving you
a chance to respond I hung up. I refrained myself
from texting you but I did anyways.Now I am sitting
here waiting for you to text back and I have realized
that I am back at square three but that's a good thing,
atleast I am not back at square one. Atleast this
ache isn't so bad as it were to be if I would be
standing back at square one. Atleast this desire
for you to text me back isn't as big as if I were
to be standing in square one. It's funny how things
work in life..I thought I would never be able to move
from square one, but here I am standing on square three
not wanting to glance back past my shoulder..Now I am
here standing in square three looking forward and it feels damn good.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Cheating is for cowards.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Hidden beneath a mask.

When someone USED to love you, make sure you USED to love them also.

It definitely is not easy and I can vow to that.
I know what it's like to go sleepless through the night.
I know about that unbearable ache in your chest.
I know about all the rummaging questions that surpass
your head, so many at a time that it seems as if your
head might explode. I know what it's like to have your
mind made up one day & the next day be back at square one.
I know all about it but I also know what I am worth...& so
should you. This might sound cliche but what's meant to be
will always find it's way no matter what. & for the record
we don't ever stop loving someone we just learn how to live
without that certain person's love.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Single, young & lonely..

"You're young and single and have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it while you've got it."

If there is a day that doesn't go by where I don't hear this expression I would be called a liar..
I'm tired of hearing this honestly.
Tired of it because I don't have my whole life ahead of me. Tomorrow is not promised.
Tired because I don't enjoy being single all of the time. What about the lonely nights?
Yes I am young I understand but I'm tired of being told this.
We weren't made to be alone. Friends & family, you may ask? I've got the best of both worlds when it comes to them but there's always an empty space family and friends CAN NOT fill.

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Old memories..

So today I decided to look through all of my old school stuff and throw alot of it out because it was just taking up space but I stumbled upon more than just old school work...

Old cards, old pictures, old letters, old memories.
Some made me happy, others angry, others thoughtful.
Alot of the stuff I stumbled upon was from a love lost, *sighhhh*.
I'm at the point where I have no idea what to do with all of my feelings (& neither would you if I told you them). Sometimes I know what I want and then there's other days when I am completely oblivious to what I truly want. There are days where I completely know I want to move on and then come those dreaded days, where I get a text or a phonecall and then it's back to square one. Maybe it's not going to be easier than what I thought. Maybe my heart won't let go that easily. Though I keep saying I want to let go, my heart is telling me otherwise (STUPID STUPID STUPIDDDDD HEART!) Last night I was talking to a dear and close girlfriend about this whole situation and she told me that when I am fully committed to letting go God will help me with the rest (fully being the KEY word here!) So I asked myself if I was fully ready to let go? Fully ready to abandon all hope? fully ready to leave all of this in my past?

I'm ready but not fully..

xSigned___JNF. ♥

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Thoughts. ♥

I am a student. I have commitments in my classes that are very important, commitments that I am paying a lot of money to keep. However, I know that sometimes it's more important to comfort a friend at 2am because of something they are going through than it is to continue studying. And I know that sometimes, Sunday night trips are much more needed than a Sunday night doing lots of homework. And if a friend is in need, I will drop everything to be anything I can be to them. I will gladly give up a night of sleep or a few hours of studying because I know that these relationships that I'm forming will mean more to me in the long run than an "A" on a test will.

I love my family. I love spending time with them. What's more than that? I enjoy spending time with them. If you don't like it, too bad. Family values are important to me. If anyone talks bad about my family, they'll get an earful. Because though they may annoy me sometimes, I will defend them to the death. Even if they're wrong, if you badmouth them, I'll defend them. That is something I can promise. & though we may not have it all together, together we have it ALL.

I like going on walks. I like holding hands. I like going to the beach, no matter what time it is. I like looking at the stars and I would love to go hiking one day. I love falling asleep in the arms of someone who loves me and I love waking up in their arms as well. I like being kissed on the forehead and having my back rubbed. I hate massages no matter who they're from -- they hurt. If you attempt to give me one, I might have to kill you. Guaranteed. I love taking pictures; I don't like when people complain that I take too many. I love laughing, I love being silly, I love when people aren't afraid to be silly sometimes. I love cartoons. I love board games. I love to sing, even though I'm not very good at it. If you ask me to sing for you, I probably won't. It has to be spontaneous. Music is important to me. I love cards. I love getting mail, but I like sending it even more. Writing is my passion -- get used to it. Even the simplest language is beautiful if phrased correctly. I don't like when people use "their" instead of "there" or "your" instead of "you're". Once in a while, a mistake is okay -- every time you use it is not.

I have very strong opinions. I will share them, but only when I feel so inclined. Generally speaking, I think before I speak, sometimes -- especially in large groups. But once you get to know me, I am an open book. Don't be put off by my apparent shyness because shy is the last thing to describe me accurately. I love when people open doors for me and pull out my chair for me but I usually forget and try to do it myself. I want to be respected -- I want my feelings to be respected and my thoughts to be respected. More than anything else, I want my body to be respected. I know how to be sexy, I know how to be desirable. I choose not to be those things because I do not want what comes when one intentionally creates a sexy persona. I like being told that I'm beautiful inside and out -- because this is something I strive to be. However, I want my boundaries respected.

I'm not always as confident as I seem. There are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. Sometimes I don't want to talk about what is bothering me, sometimes I just want a hug, someone who will let me cry. I like when people aren't afraid to show what they're really feeling. I don't like when people run from their true feelings because it doesn't do anyone any good eventhough I tend to do just this. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. "I know what it's like to see something funny and not laugh." I've been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart and my trust in people has not diminished. To be completely honest, I hope it never does. Ever.

I love long hot showers and the feeling of my teeth after they have been brushed. I do not like the dentist or the doctor. I'll probably gripe about going to both of them, no matter how necessary it might be. Clowns are my phobia -- so are spiders and bugs of any kind. Buzzing is my least favorite sound and it can easily drive me insane. If there is a buzzing sound in the room, don't expect me to pay attention to anything else.

I like food, lots of food, even if it's not good for me. I like Shakespeare, even though I don't understand his writings most of the times. I love to learn. I like things that make you think, things that make you reexamine your beliefs. I'm not comfortable talking openly about sex. Sometimes I am verbally impotent.

I do not like being told things just to make me happy. I would rather be told the truth and be hurt than be "protected" and happy. I overreact a lot. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm wrong or out of line. I like people who are strong enough to face me when I'm raging. People who will let me be angry for a little while. People who won't think less of me for my sporadic mood swings. When I'm hurt, I withdraw. I threaten to run away from the situation that is causing me pain. All I want is to be told honestly that I'm loved, that I should stay -- sometimes I need to hear it multiple times. But if you'll be a little persistent, I'll give in. If I really love you, I might start picking fights over stupid things, for no reason. It means I'm bored. That things have gotten monotonous. I hate just going with the flow -- I always want things planned out. I'm indecisive -- there are too many things I would really like to do and I'm afraid the people I love most won't like what I choose.

I am afraid of being lonely, of having my heart broken -- even though I know these feelings very well. Of not being appreciated or wanted. Of people not knowing how much they mean to me. I'm afraid of drowning, of loosing my breath and of not understanding. I'm not afraid to be myself or of interacting with people who are different than me. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm wrong, but I will rarely admit it publicly.

My selected friends are the most important people in the world to me. I enjoy being with them, no matter what we do. That's just how I am, it's how I've always been. I will probably always be this way. I will not date one of my guy friends if they have previously dated or pursued one of my girl friends. I respect those boundaries far too much to destroy a friendship for a relationship that might not last. My best friend in the entire world above anyone else is Ciara Nicole. Regardless.

I like hot popcorn and brand new pens. I love paper. I love the smell of new books and new houses and new cars. I love bread and soft serve ice cream -- not together though! I love sweatpants and jeans more than anything. I love being comfortable and I love being told that I'm beautiful, even if I'm in sweats and my hair is a mess. I am just as comfortable in a skirt as I am in sweats. I love to work, it makes me feel productive and useful. It keeps me from being idle. I hate feeling useless. I love staying up late and I love sleeping though I will never sleep enough. Coloring is fun, drawing is not.

My favorite animal is a yorkie (dog). One day I will own one and name her Bella. My favorite color is pink. I detest math eventhough I am a Business major and will have to take it for the rest of my college career. I don't understand science. I love reading for hours on end, especially outside on a sunny day. I love the sun. I love being warm. I hate being cold.

I support and appreciate people who can argue their point in an educated manner, who have a logical reason for things -- even if I don't agree. I don't like when people can't support themselves. I don't like laziness. I'm trying to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable and I admire people who know how. I like sappy letters. I love to cuddle. I love being close. I love having friends and I love laughing with my friends -- especially during class. I love praying. I'd rather be cold than hot, eventhough if you have been reading carefully I stated that I hate being cold. Christmas and Valentine's Day are my two favorite holidays. I love birthdays and Christmas because they bring people together. I admire integrity and honesty -- I love when people aren't "too tough" to forgive. I love best friends and old friends and I love when new friends become old friends.

Florescent lights always make people look weird and I don't understand why clothing stores always put them in dressing rooms. There are a lot of clothes I am too self conscious to wear, a lot of clothes I don't think I can pull off. But sometimes I'll try. I love good smelling lotions and shampoos, especially the Victoria's Secret line -- those who know me best know that this is a fact. I love when guys wear cologne. I love wearing a guy's sweatshirt when it smells like him. But only when that smell is good. I love laughing so hard I cry. There are certain four letter words that the world would be better off without. I'm not unhappy with the way I look, but I don't always think I'm pretty. If you tell me I look good and I diagree, I'll probably tell you, but I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm not asking you to roll your eyes and think that I'm doing it because "it's a girl thing." I'm telling you because there are certain days and moments when I really don't feel pretty. Those are the days I change my clothes six times before deciding which shirt I want to wear.

I believe in love. Real, true, amazing, passionate love. I believe in my self. I believe in other people. I will never give up on the people I really care about, even if they break my heart a thousand times. I believe in God and I know He will never give up on me even if I break His heart a thousand times.

I could fill a book with my thoughts and someday I will. I love the city but I would rather live in the suburbs and be happy. I want to be a wife, a mother, and a friend. I want to help others, starting with my family. I want to love others, starting with myself.

I love blankets -- even in the summer. I love fans even in the winter. Fresh air and natural light cure just about anything. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a purpose, that it is up to us to discover that purpose and that more often than not, we won't understand, even if we find an answer. Regardless, I believe that everything works out for the best. Always.

In the words of Langston Hughes --
"I like to eat, sleep, drink, and be in love.
I like to work, read, learn, and understand life."
I don't like words I can't fully grasp the concept of especially when they're used in everyday conversation. I think clichés are amusing and though I feel weird using them to justify things, I do anyway. But only sometimes.

I like not wearing shoes. I love over-sized hand bags. I have a soulmate. I talk to things that can not talk back. I am very emotional. I do random things out of anger. I love Uggs, no matter "how ugly they are". I rather have my hair straight than curly. Love songs are amazing, period the end. I love Christian music and I can listen to classical music for days. I dislike icky stuff, smelly stuff, things that aren't appealing to my taste, boring days, being frustrated, crying, stressful moments, failing and not giving it another try, noise specially alot of it, distasteful music, people who downgrade others just because, and sullied things.

I like people who can make me laugh. I don't blush easily, but if I do, it means something. I like people who make me think about things. People who willingly put up with my absentmindedness and like it. Common sense has always been one of my strong points. I'm not afraid to laugh at myself -- this took me quite some time to achieve, nor am I afraid to laugh at other people. I have a hard time letting go and when I love, I love deeply. People who respect themselves, boys who love their moms. I want to be adored and when I date a guy, I want him to be absolutely stoked about me. And I want it to be okay that I'm stoked about him. I don't want to be told that I'm loved, I want to be shown. If a guy tries to pay for me, I'll pretend to be objective and I'll never expect it but I'll always appreciate it. I will never admit that I'm interested in someone unless I know they are interested in me. If you hurt me, I'm going to talk to my friends about it. I'm a relational person, that's what I do. If I'm angry at you, I may not always tell you about it. I will try to work things out and if I have my way, we will work things about before going to bed. I believe strongly in the scripture in Ephesians that advises not to let the sun go down on your anger.

I'd rather have a homemade picnic in the park than go to a fancy restaurant. I like homemade cookies. I'd rather give you something sentimental than something practical but I'm not against practicality. If I'm shopping and something silly catches my eye and makes me think of you, chances are you'll be receiving it shortly thereafter. Silly gifts make life enjoyable.

Inside jokes are amazing, remember whens are mind blowing. I love orange juice. I don't like eating red apples whole. If something is broken, I'll probably leave it broken until I need it next. I would rather carry out the plans than create the plans. I love beginnings, but I know that endings have to come before beginnings can happen. Some of the most beautiful things in my life have ended but endings bring about strength and teach lessons that could never have been learned otherwise. And I can definitely appreciate that.

xSigned___JNF. ♥